"TO BE OR NOT TO BE ONE OF THEME - MANAGERS"

It is been a month ago as far as I could remember when one of the managers @ my work asked me a question that choked me and craked the hell out of me in a good way..

I was on the late shift (3 - 10:30pm) and being on this sched is quite tasking for one of my responsibilities is counting Tills not just one or two but 5 Tills..

everyday is a very challenging day for me for there are lots of things to learn and cope up with.. but hey! I do always, survived!

the manager on duty with me that night was Sir Jared - a very professional person and very respectful! I would say that i worked with him most of the time for we fall on same shifts and he was the very first asst manager told me that I did a great job in my few days being there!! with what he said, I just smiled and say thank you humbly!

now, that night.. we were counting Tills and as usuall I always made my days good.. I always have a smiles over my ears...

Sir Jared and I were busy counting Tills when HE popped up the question to me! it was..

"maje, how about to be a manager here in walgreens"?! when I heared that, I was so surprised and felt all my blood runs up to my brain and my earns wants to explode!! and what did I answered to his question on me?!...

I Cracked out so Lound and look at him and said thank you for Sir and I am sorry for my answers... I don't mean to be rude on what you have said but it took me by surprise what you have just said.. and he explained to me why and how.. and I said, thank you sir and I am greatful with that thought you have...


I went home that night still couldn't believe what I have heard and in shocked! lolz

If there is really an apportunity for me to become one of them, why not?! with a good coaching and training I know I can handle it well..

I know I have the qualifications and I may not see it in myself but mostly my friends does sees that I am smart and capable of doing anything.. they are the very first person told me that someday I will be one of the MANAGERS IN WALGREENS..

oh well, I will just crossed my fingers and be persistent on what I am doing and strive move for challenges and success in my career.. if ever it won' come, I am just contented on where I am right now as long as I am happy and enjoying it still...

"HAPPY 5 MONTHS ON MY LOVED JOB"

Sunday, December 20, 2009

WHEW! time swing by so fast and I didn't even notice till I look at the calendar a minute ago that today is the 20th of december and I do remember that this date is the date I was hired of my new loved job here in US...

geez, it is my 5months career aniversary today and when I think back to my very first day that I was hired way back 20th of July this yr, I smiled and feeling so pround of myself that I conquered all the OBSTACLES and STOOD UP PROUDLY!

for me, it was the most greatest birthday gift I ever received from GOD! You see, I did celebrate my birthday a day before I got hired - 19th of July...

and now, I am 5 months and Only GOD knows how many struggles I fought with and survived..

I worked so hard(which is natural for me) and here I am now, having a great moment of my life and my job helps me a lot - my job was the key to where I am right now and for me.. 'IF YOU JUST BELIEVE IN YOURSELF AND HAVE FAITH WITH GOD" nothing is IMPOSSIBLE! I did proved it and it make me strong..

I get lots of good compliments from my colleagues and superiors and have a great relationships with them all including my customers... THEY ADORES ME!

I will take this OPPORTUNITU to THANK GOD for being there for me all the time and too all my friends and to those people who stood by my and lend thier helping hand and humble heart --- THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL THE HELP - CARES AND UNDERSTANDNG YOU GUYS BESTOWED ON ME - MS. ELLEN DAVENPORT - MY FRIEND - THANK YOU SO MUCH AND LOVED YOU!!

"HAVE YOU KISSED A SAME SEXES"?

Sunday, December 20, 2009

OK! Just for personal views and experiences..

just for curiousity of my mind... this question pop up i my head when i woke up early this morning...
and I thought I would wrote a blog about it and share my personal experiences...
lets see how many will view on this entry and perhaps leave a comments...??

the question is "HAVE YOU KISSED A SAME SEXES?" Well, I don't have to question myself with this title question of my blog here... for I already had that experience... well, you my wonder how and when?! hahah... In addition, you might get confused of the word SAME SEXES? well, i don't have to elobarate it for I know you guys out there who will came accross this blog entry of mine understood clearly what I am implying to, eh!


ok, let me share my own personal experience... TEE - HEE!!(blushed)


I never thought I would have this kind of personal experience nor I never dreamed of it, not even in my wildest dreams and imaginations.. but hey Life Is Full of Surprises!!


now, let me go on.. remenishing it how it happened to me still gives me butterflies in my stomach...

here is the real story now, are you guys ready?? hahahah... I make it more thrill but I won't hold it further a due now..


2006 DECEMBER 26 - This is the day that I would never forgot that totally changed my Life... I met a girl through a common friend and that girl was 32 that time and I was 26 and still broken hearted.. the moment we saw each other we right away click and have fun together - seems we have known to each other for so long.. and that day it all started our friendship - our very colorful - challenging - exciting friendship....

from that day, I was hooked up with her and we chat and giggles(TEE - HEE) together with our common friend.. and it was a great opportunity to bond with her for her parents are takinga a two wks vacation and it is our common friend that accompanies her!! so the following day, I was there again and we three have fun chattig - eating - a doing a lot of girls stuffs!!

and as days goes by till new yrs eve comes and I was still invited to spend time with them before new yr comes... you see, I don't have plans to spend my new yr in other house - I do have other plans - a lonely single plans to spend my new yr but seems GOD has other plans for me and sure he has!

I end up spending new yrs @ her house for our common friend went home to see her dad and bro but she didn't come back before midnight and my new friend and I were left alone in her big house.. we watch the fireworks displays in the front yard and laugh and giggles.. and then she got sick and starts to vomits - i was terrified and worried and thinking to call help but i can't leave her so I ended staying and assisting her and finally she keeps calm and become ok and we decidedto turn the dvd off and go to bed for we are tired of waiting with our common friend.. so we go to bed and we slept together in her bed and she was on the side of the wall and i was on the other side.. i turn to face on the hairdresser and she turn to face the wall.. we are both quite and are trying to sleep and then suddenly...

I turn and wants to talk to her and she did same thing as I did turn and our LIPS met and I was... OMG! OMG! OMG! and I turned my back and she did same thing too and I was confused what to say to her but I did manage and I called her name and she answered me.. Yes..?? and I face to her again and we look at each other and I say, I am so sorry, it was an ACCIDENT! and she said it is ok.. and the next thing I knew, SHE WAS KISSING ME so GENTLY and PASSIONATELY! and I responded with her sweet kisses - I wouldn't deny it! it feel so good and her lips are so sweet and soft that I like it!! and there, it all started! I told her that this isn't right but I like what just happened and she smiled and hugged me and draw me closer to her.. we didn't say much word - we just hugged till we fall asleep.....

that night, was so different for it did changed my whole world...
and I would never forgot how colorful it was all happened...

now, that I am so far from her.. when I think of that night we had together.. IT DOES BRINGS SMILES AND JOY TO MY HEART! we are still friends and we do loved each other and treasures our friendship so much.. WE EVEN HAVE A NAME OF OUR FRIENDSHIP and we do celebrates monthly friendship aniversary and yearly too!! even we are far away from each other, we still do celebrates our aniversary!!!

"HORRIFIC FRANTIC NIGHTMARE I HAD LAST NIGHT"

Friday, December 18, 2009


Last night, I had again those horrific frantic nightmare of him!! it is been a lon time since i had this kind of nightmares.. I am not feeling well and it is so hard but still i manage... took meds and eat a lots of liquids..

then i go to bed early for my meds are making me sleep..

i was sleeping quitely and i don't know what time it was that I started havig horrific frantic dreams of him!! all the scenes on my dreams are vivid and so real that I was really terrified and scared!! in my dream last night, i was crying so hard and i felt that I was dying from pain.. and i shouted and there it woke me up!! ugh!! wish, i can just get rid off that side of my memory in my brain so that I won't suffer horrific frantic nightmares again?!


I know i won't be able to get rid of that part in my memory but it will remain as a dark past and lesson that teaches me and makes me stronger!!

"$3 TIP for a VERY SATISFACTORY GOOD CUSTOMER SERVICE"

Monday, December 14, 2009


Today, is another busy day for me @ my loved work.. the moment I stand in the LAB i can't get out nor even run to the bathroom or grab a short minute break!! oh well, I love it anyways,...

and today, I had a customer that when he finally picked up his photo order prints he hand me $3 bills and told me that it is a tip for helping him out so much!! but I told him that.. "i can't accept it for am just happy to help him out and is jus doing my job to the best I can", he was so insistent but it didn't still work out on me for I told him that I love my job and don't want to lost it so i thank him with all my heart and told him that will be more happy to help him again and he said, ok but realy thanks for your great help on me and I said.."anytime Sir, and my pleasure".. there was a customer waiting also and they witness it and smiled at me!!

this incident isn't new to me for I have been encountered this kind of situation tha I get a tip from my customer who are so happy with my customer service!!! it is just so different here in USA for no tip box at all unlike over my country there is and it is divided to all employees at the end of the month!!

but I loved and liked it here - the way in all in my store!! it is not that very controlling but there is discpline.. am not saying that over my country there isn't a discipline; there is but so much control and no trust in what I see.. here in USA, in working environment - it may not that fair and just all the time but there is still FAIR AND JUST!!


bless his heart that give me a tip!!

"Somebody told me today that I have the most sweetest beautiful smile!!" ;)

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Somebody told me today that I have the most sweetiest beautiful smile!! ;

wahaheheh..


early today, i was in a rush to catch the 814am bus to caldwell to start my errands for the day...

first errand was quick and requires me to go to the bank..

but the bank wasn't open till 930am today...

so i waited and decided to grab my coffee at Sbucks!!

It was cold and a hot cup of coffee would help...


then when i entered, one of the service clerk that knows me asked me if "i want my coffee today? and I said.. yes pls?? & the cashier took my order and key in the POS.. and she commented that... I have the most sweetiest beautiful smile...!

i thank her and grab a seat!!!


how nice is it to hear such wonderful compliments unexpectedly, eh?

"ME AND MY M'BIKE"..

Monday, November 23, 2009

me and my m'bike(LUCILLE - named after my late mother in law)..

me and my bike..



it is been a yr now since i got this roadmaster mountain bike from my late mother in law..

i never thought that it has a big purpose when i got this bike rather than of the purpose of riding it from my husband(soon to be x)house to my parents in law's house..

with this bike, i was able to explore nearby places and learned new things on the raod!!

lucille does really help me alot beyond my expectations..

i am lucky to know how to ride bikes for i don't know how to ride cars - even i have car am not elegible to get drivers license due to immigration matters..


it was fun to ride my bike especially when the weather gets hot and nice..

and i also learnd that it is much safer to ride bikes here in USA rather over my country - for cars will watch bikers and gives passage.. and it is only here in USA that i learnd that there is a bike lane on the road for the bikers..

the first time i rode my bike - my leg muscles got sore but eventually i got used to it and enjoyed more!

and then a big twist changes of my life happend and I never thought that LUCILLE - My Bike play a big role of the big chages in my life!!

wayback when i moved into an institution that would help me to get my life back - that is when i started to ride lucille to farthest miles..

then when i got a job - i never thought that i could do things with my bike beyond my expectations..

when lucille got flat on the day of my birthday after attending mass - that is when i learnd to fix bikes., i delt a lot of pain on my first fix experienced and eventually i became good at it - fixing bikes..

then lucille help me alot to make things possible - i was so determined to report everyday at my loved new job and so i took chances to ride with lucille @ the back roads and even on the freeway in 12miles/2hrs one way(24miles/4hrs - vice versa).. where ever I go, LUCILLE goes.. she is my only two wheels vehicles!!

I rode buses and brought lucille with me - put on the bike rack and where ready to roll.. and the bus drivers recognized me a lot with my bike..

I guess it became a trademark on me - being with my bike..

they easily recognized me when i have my bike and if I don't have my bike they wonder if it is me or not and then they would asked me.. "where's your bike?!" i answered them, i am giving my leg muscles a break..

being on my bike was so hard and challenging and it made my leg muscles strong and i even gained arm muscles by lefting lucille from time to time to put on the bus bike rack! it also put me on shape and i become more sexier! LOLZ!!

"THE POWER OF MIND - MY MIND POWER... "

Friday, November 13, 2009

ok, ok..

we all new the power of mind - how powerful it is can be?!

when i was a kid - i used to think alot of things in advance but more on negative way..

sometimes it does happen those thoughts i did have in mind and when it strike me i was like... wait a minute... this has happened before and then i realized that it was on my thoughts or i would say one of my mind power thoughts..

even on my dreams are so real and vivid that there was a particular event that did really happened in reality.. and again, i had that moment of ... "wait a minute"...


my mind was so power of and it should be a good thing of only i thought more on positive thoughts rather than more on negative ones..

and when i reached adulthood - i still having it but it was in a balance way.. and every thoughts that my mind have really come to an event of reality and it did really literaly freaks me out and so when i reach the stage of womanhood - i just give it up slowly but still i still have it and it does terifies me when it comes into reality - like some few thoughts that I have...

first is...

when i was with my first relationship and when it went shaky and my mind swear that if this first relationship won't work out?.. I will be out of my country and find my man in other country and shit! boom! it did happened!!

secondly..

i had a thought that someday among of my brother and sister.. I will make a different in my family and shit! it did happened!

tthirdly..

when i got married and it was shaky... i had a thought that one of this days, i will be out of this shitty marriage into and fuckin' shit - boom! it did happend!!!

and there are lots more and this three mentioned above is for me are the major mind power blowin' thoughts events...

and then, i am more thinkin' in advance in more optimistic way and two thoughts i do have in mind is i will have a better future - life here soon and I will be one of the managers in my work... well, lets see how powerful my MIND can be at this two thoughts my mind had and lets see what comes first???!!!!...


there are two person's did told me that they think sooner will become one of the managers in my work... ahahah! i do believe I will be soon but my confidence with that isn't that really strong.. though, i dreamed to be one of the bosses but i know my capabilities and i do sucked up with freakin' numbers... so only GOD knows what is my real score in the future - life i have?!


so i would end this blog by saying..

DON'T UNDER ESTIMATE YOUR MIND POWER.. IT CAN LEAD YOU TO SOMEWHERE NOR SOME PROGRESS IN YOUR LIFE!!

"HOPEFUL FOR A BETTER FUTURE - LIFE! "

Thursday, November 12, 2009

now that i got my own place and things are quite in thier perspective slowly by slowly... am hoping for a better future - life to come!!

with my good paying loved job i know things will be ok and it will help me to have a better future - life..

the moment i accepted my job i knew that it will lead me to somewhere..and sure it did!!

now am still working my papers - immigrations and divorce.. it is a slow process but it is ok.. it is better to work slowly but surely, eh right?!

i only have one chance to make things right this time so i am taking much of my time..

i know i may not get all the things i desire to have but atleast i will get the most important things that my heart mostly desires to have --- to have a better future - life!!

with all the good resouces and with the right - good - kind people that is there willing to help me i know things will be great and possible and of course with my faith with GOD...

i always try to finds ways of things that i do believe i can make it happens and never say i can't for i always give it a try and there i will find out if i can or can't have it nor get it..

whatever the future holds -- i knew that it also lies in my hand; only God knows...

now that i was able to get my own place and is trying to get back on my feet; life JUST BEGUN for me and life is a CONSTANT change and I must be prepared what comes next...

I am really - optimistically hopeful to have better future - life soon.. with all the endeavours - sufferings - struggles i have been through i knew it will pays off soon and some of it ; it did already pays off!!

like my job... i didn't know that it will be a key to an accomplishment... I was just lovingly - enjoying it and did the right thing that what I think was right thing to do..

so to give this blog a closure - i would say that YOU GOTTA BELIEVE IN ALL POSSIBLE WAYS AND ALWAYS GIVE A TRY AND NEVER - NEVER EVER GIVE UP!!! If you get tired nor wanna give up?! JUST REST IF YOU MUST BUT NEVER EVER GIVE UP...

"CHOPPING OFF FOR A CAUSE?! "

Monday, November 09, 2009

I have this thought of chopping off my long hair and donate it to an instution that could make benefit of my long black beautiful shiny hair!

sometimes i am aware that i do have a beautiful black shiny but more often i am not really aware of it! most of my friends told me that my hair is beautiful and they love it!

you see, i don't have this length of hair before - during my elementary upto highschool i always have a shoulder lenght of hair or shorter than shoulder lenght - there was even one time I have a boy - cut hair style that called "bobcut" and oh boy! it was kinda fun to have those hairstyle for mostly people thought that I am a boy!! lolz! i always pour my anger - frustrations and aggrevations on my hair that is why i end up on short hair style!!

then there comes college!

it was college days that i started to grow my hair long and i didn't really intentionally want it to grow long for i always love short hair style but due to allowance issues i don't have budget to get haircut as often as I want it so i just let it grow and i once also told by my male cousin that mostly men are so attractive to a women that has long black beautiful shiny hair and i did give it a thought and so I indeed up making it grow and it also helps me for the reason that i look more feme than a boy - i do have a boyish gesture - my mom thought that I am a lesbo or a tomboy for i act more like it during my childhood and oh boy she was relieve to see me one semestral break that I have a long hair and i did changed a lot!! lolz!! well, actually not just my mom was relieve but mostly all my members of my family..

now i do really have this long thought of chopping it for a cause but i kinda have a second thought for it is been a long time that i have this long hair and it is do really hard for my hair to grow fast and one thing is if my hair is too short i knew i will get that comment again that I am les or tomboy due to the way i move! oh god! i felt ridiculous - i can't help my moves for it is me and i don't have plans to change it for it wouldn't be me anymore!!

so the question now is should i or shouldn't i chopped my hair off?! if i do i knew there will be someone who could use and be happy with my hair - a CANCER PATIENCE probably?!

"MY LIFE SECOND PHASE - NEW LIFE! "

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

it is been four days now since I made a big tremendouse decesion - it wasn't easy but I did it!

but before i did it - i did dealth some struggles and i did fought back and I did felt good standing my own feet and expressing my emotions..

it wasn't really my plan to make that big tremendouse decesion - had other plans and it was move on the 15h of this month but GOD has better plans for me for he knew I had enough and what I have been through was too much!


I am so lucky indeed inspite the way I was treated @ the institution that supposedly will help me get my life back but didn't! I got a great paying job with great colleagues and some supporting freinds one of those is Ms. Ellen..

now i got this great place that gives me comfort, security and freedom to do things that I was limited to do when I was in the shelter..

i felt insanely - crazy with this new big changes in my life - it feels like I am dreamin' but I am not!


on my second day in my new home - did realized and felt weired! i was like - wait a minute... this isn't right, is it?! and I did it - I surely did it and I am enjoying it now..

so - took a walk and the night was beautiful! i went shopping lil bit!

and now I am really enjoying the greatest opportunity of my life!

THANKS TO GOD AND ALL MY FRIENDS..

SO F' FEED UP NOW!!!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

I am so fucking feed up now and this is it!

I will really do this and make a big step in my life here in US..

"Sorting Things Out slowly - First Step"

Monday, October 26, 2009

lately I have been thinking alot of things and am trying to sort things out at the same time..

and the first step was check a place and work on it!

I did found a good one - quite cool and ok and 20mins bike ride to my work - it is a beautiful house and the owner is a man and doesn't always around..

I did met him last sat and talk and do some inquiries and it sounds good!!

375 + 125 dep isn't bad plus all utilities included!!

now am in the deep of thinking and analizing things if I should do it or now?!

I am pretty much scared and confused but I know it is just from the start that is hard!

I am really thinking to give it a try/risk - I used to do this but now it is so hard for me to do it! whew!! well anyways, my instinct say go for it and take a risk!

so I guess I have to listen to it, eh?!

whatever the outcome - wish myself luck?!

"Got RAISED!" Whohooo!!

Monday, October 19, 2009

Today - I did started my day on my new store with my new POSITION - PHOTO SPECIALIST PERSONNEL - though I am still on training but I was informed that my rate was changed! and my employee badge number was changed!!

I did learned alot today and the new position is pretty much challenging and it is so great for PHOTOGRAPHY is my GREATEST PASSION! - lets me learn new stuffs and explores more! I did learned pretty quick and did some hands on alone and all!


to be continued.. got no time now..

5hrs in Starbucks @ $5 cost order

Monday, October 19, 2009

yesterday I stayed @ starbucks for 5 hours and ordered one of my fave drink - VENTI JAVA SHIP FRAP!

I had a great time and my mind was so relax that I was able to write my story in 4 - 5 pages! I did felt good and accomplised!

I could stay there forever and have all my fave starbucks drinks!! lolz!!

"Somebody Took Mah Smile Away! "

Saturday, October 17, 2009

last week was a rough week!

it was mah off - mon and tues - at first things were ok but oh well life is a freaking CONSTANT CHANGE! so it changes happens..

I was told that I acted like SHIT! God! where would I put mahself?

I am this way and I can't change to other personality for this the real me and for them it isn't fuckin' right - oh well nothing is right with the BI! all I did was wrong and fuckin' wrong! oh god! I hate swearing but I have to!

from that day I was told that I have 72hrs to leave - I started to me more sad and I can't really be mahself anymore nor smile!! somebody took mah smile away and I feel more mad - sad now! with the BI, I am starting to hate all HISPANIC now!! i know I shouldn't but because of her I felt that way now..


I can only smiles when I am @ work! but when I get to the place where I stayed for tempo?! can't! have to hide mah true me!! ugh!!

take mah smile back, pls take mah smile back to me?! but who will gonna take mah smile back when really somebady took mah smile away?!

everytime I saw her - i went blank and i was thinkin'.. that the only way to let them see what they really want me to do is frown and scowl from now on! oh well, I did started it already and I became quite this past few days and one person did noticed and I didn't say nothing! i rather keep it mahself and stay away from them!!

someday i can smile again without worrying that mah ass will get busted!!

FUCK YOU SHIT BI!! ugghhh!!

You've Got 72hrs!

Monday, October 12, 2009

You've Got 72hrs! this is what mah good day ends!

mah bitch case manager that doesn't do good on me tell me that I got 72hrs to leave!

Fuck! huh! ugh! I was put in the most ubsurbed situation!

it all started with the fuckin' meeting that I totally forgot that would be tomorrow and someone did brought it up to me! I do have other things to do than fuckin' waste mah time on some shit! darn it!

suddenly, mah world turns upside down and was so confused!

I decided to talk to the director of this institution where I choose to stay with the expectations i have in mind that I didn't get! but the talk didn't turn out good for mah case manager already did posioned her mind and mah poor self couldn't even defend!

it is hard to stand on the ground for me and fought back!

I am just too weak now and I don't know if I will be strong again as I used to be?!

huh! ugh!

fuck! fuck! i even hate to say the F! but i must say it to lighten a lil bit mah loads that mah poor brain can handles!!

only God knows whats next?!

"changes in mah work"

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Today - it was a busy day!

I came late for 10mins for something happened!

and when i got there, i have so many things to do which kinda good for it will keeps me busy!

every mornin' - i am doing so many things that includes vaccuming and other mornon' stuff!

then few hrs later after i was done the morning routine - mah boss(store mgr) came and told me what else to do and he also told me that by next wk - i will be working @ the other store - meaning I will be xfered that so soon! I was sad and sad for i don't want to leave where I started but I can't hold nor stop the changes in mah life nor in mah work either the weather!!

I got to embrace every changes I will encounter!

I am just hoping and praying that I will be happy to mah new store as I am in mah home store?!

oh well, lets see; eh?!

"Confused and Sad!'

Saturday, October 10, 2009

most of mah days of mah life here in US are so confusing and sad!

I felt so down and so hard to get back on mah feet!

it is so amazing how ppl finds joy in me but the truth I am hiding..

oh well, I am just to good about it and I kinda learn now here to separate mah personal life and mah work life!!

with all the trauma I have been through with mah first marriage - I still finds time to make someone laugh and make thier days a good one!!

isn't that great?!

on the contrary..

I am confused on what choices will I make?!

I don't know if I still do wanted to be with a man and spend the rest of mah life with a man or with somebody else?! isn't that FUCKIN' CONFUSING and SAD?! huh!

wish, I can just easily choose a choice of who I wanna be and be with?! but it is not that easy!! all i know, that someday - in the future I will figure it out?!

"TODAY - CHANGES @ WORK.."

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Today, I had a good talk with mah boss..

He was back from his vacation with his wife..

but before he came back; one of the asst mgr told me the the breaking - kinda sad news - i will be transferred another branch..

so then today, after mah work - mah boss called me and we talk..

he told me that his wife will make a room for me in her store and i will xfer there as soon things get settled!

I was more sad than glad to know it bcuz i love where I am and love to work with them - i told him that I am sad to learn that you will hire someone to replace me and he told me that I am sad too to let you go but I want you to be closer to where you stayed! we did talked a lot of things that concered of me and he even told me that he does admired me of my personality - of what I have been through and he told me I do deserve better!!

Oh, well.. I am glad to hear it but I am just happy and dedicated on mah work!

he said he will start to work on it and sooner he will let me know..

oh boy! hope I would be happy to where I go - work?!

let see..

up here for now..

KEEP LOSIN' THE ONE I VALUED AND LOVED! HUH?!

Sunday, October 04, 2009

I always hated this part of mah life! - I always ended of left behind and broken hearted! ugh!

I always had this moment of mah life that I learned to loved and valued a person and so attached then at the end?! I left hurting! Oh God! why can't I just be happy?!

It feels like a DE JAVE to me what I learned yesterday - the person that gaves me more strenght here is quiting her job and that means.. I no longer gonna see her from the days I expect to see her around when I get off from work! I still have two wks to see her and enjoy the moments of her being around!!

however, here I go again... fighting with a decision or thought to really make out of the best while she is still around or just start staying away from her so that I won't be more hurt the day she will leave?! I do hated to regret afterwards but am confused and left turmoil! ugh!

last yr - mah girl - friend and I had this moment and it was dang hard that it hurts so badly and now.. I am dealing same situation again! not just last yr with mah girl - friend but it did happened also when I was in college - many times! GOD! why I didn't learned at all?! is it because I am just too VULNERABLE and Too WEAK?! ugh! no! am not WEAK! YES! i AM VULNERABLE! maybe, I am just so soft and easily to love and cared to others! now, I can't stop mah tears not to fall down on mah checks! I did tried but couldn't! did told mahself to save mah tears the day she leaves but when I read the note she gave to me.. oh boy! mah poor heart breaks!

"3 days off from work is so FAB! I mostly enjoyed it!"

Sunday, October 04, 2009
Fri was the first one - went to boise Mall - did some shopping and was glad to found mah belt! lolz!! I felt good about it for I used to do it over mah country and did missed it!


Sat, woke up 9am - took a shower and went to mah friends house to get mah winter clothes and then pig out with rice! lolz!!

Sunday - was surprisingly awaken with a voice over the intercom! Get up brushed mah teeth and wash mah face - didn't bother to put bra - just grab another pants and hoodie and went for a walk - grab sunday newspaper and mah photo prints then grab mah fave coffee and mah muffin @ starbucks - read sunday news after not having doing it - left - head to winco and do some food shopping which I did enjoyed also! I feel so alive and free doing it! after that went back to shelter to do some cooking!


It was all a great day except that sunday off kinda ended sad for some reason that mah heart is HURT!

OH WELL! not all moments are great!! just have to get over with it but how? I felt am losing again another part of me, eh?!

"3 SHERRIF's - DE JAVU! "

Wednesday, September 30, 2009




Today, after doin' things I need to do!

I went home(shelter) drop mah back pack, grab mah wallet and mah borrowed Novel from Library and took a walk to v-zon and finally head to mah fave coffee shop - STARBUCKS!

The weather is pretty damn cold that mah bum - bum froze up even I wore coat that kinda covered mah butt(bum - bum)!

when I get @ starbucks - noticed right away three Sheriff having a good conversation over thier fave coffee!! I went up to the counter and ordered mah fave coffee - VENTI WET CAPPUCCINO and CREAM CHEESE MUFFIN!

On mah second look at the sheriff, I noticed that the other one is a she and she look so neat with a boy hair cut and she has her sunny on her head - like a top gun sunny! I did noticed also that she did look at me which kinda annoyed me for I do freak out when I see a sheriff for a reason that it brings me a dark shadow of the PAST!

I did ignored them while, I sat and start enjoying mah cup of coffee and mah muffin!

I read mah novel with me and then wrote some msgs on some cards that I bought with me!!

Did tried to concentrate but thier presence do distracts me for mah brain is on the stage of remembering the dark shadow - I just can't avoid it - really!

I was a lil relieved when they left and then I was able to concentrat on what I wanted to do!!

Going there today, kinda relaxis mah distress - stressed mind and being done before clocks go to 6pm, i left and do some window shopping which also help me to relax!!

went back home and glad to see who is upfront! mah hands were freezin' but was ok!

That PART of mah life - being interogate with 3 cops - was the most tremendouse shaking part of mah life! it was like a DE JAVU seing 3 SHERIFF's! ugh!!

"SAD! SAD! SAD! SAD TODAY!"

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Today, I felt so low!

I just couldn't handle it that it drags me down!!

I have so much to deal with in everyday of mah life and it is overbearing! ugh!

after for a few days of peacefulness of being alone on my room here in the shelter it turned out to be worse - shitty! had a new roommate which is nice and calm but a meth addict 4mos clean and then eventually she left and before she left - just last week on my tuesday - last off, another one came in and FUCKING SHIT! she is worse than the other one that I dealth with before the meth addict!

of all the vacant room, why it is on the room where I am at that they put a newbie?! why?! why?! FUCKING WHY?!

the very first day I saw her, I started to feel unsafe to the place I was safe after of being on the trauma few months ago!

I did tried to be open minded and be more understandable but with too much load on mah lil brain, I just can't take it anymore!! I did explode last thursday night and last night! the good thing last thurs was the person that gives me comfort and security is there and she comforts me and I did feel better; what she said was so heartfilled touchig words that I also said to someone before that was so badly hurt just like me now!! but yesterday night it was all diff for she wasn't around! ugh! oh! well, I know I have to be strong and be on my feet for not all the time she is around nor be with me!! though there are other true concerned peps who comforts me but can't really feel security and comforts the way I felt from that person who I learned now to love and valued!!

I feel fear and unsecure now being with this newbie roommate!! I did rised my concerns to the head councilour last night and she gave me a hug! and listened to me!

today, I went to work still dealing my emotions and through out the day, I am SAD SAD SAD but I still keep my chin up and give my best shot to every customer @ work that I encounter!! hiding so good my true emotions!!

how long will I can bear this another delima I am facing?! when one goes another one comes! FUCKING SHIT!! FUCK! FUCK! Ugh! I am so lonely! and trying to deal with it and here comes anther demons of mah fucking - shitty life!!

if I didn't have a job right now?! I am prolly crazy now and will be insane soon if she stays still in my room longer! she is a theft - for she did stole other residents belongings and now everytime I leave my room, I am worried that one day when I come home, all my stuff are gone!! ugh!!

up here for now, got to dash for mah rest!

"Mah life In the Shelter - FACE TWO!

Thursday, September 10, 2009


It is been really a hectic life I have now..


I have been dying to wrote this face two of mah life here in the shelter! I did turned two month last aug 5.. did spent mah fourth of july by mahself! did lots of things and to count was job hunting.. I did celebrate mah 29th birthday but before that I got a job interview and eventually was hired after mah birthday day..




mah ass was always busted with someboday.. I got depress and bought mah first pack of cigar and i did laundry it; so no smoking for me!! lolz


I did deal a lot of turmoils! but am still hanging on!!


I learned to fix mah bike, did hurt mahself while doing it!


I rode mah bike on the free way, and the back roads..


mah friends did help me some on financially!


if there wasn't a person who is there to cheer me up and make me smile?! I don't know if am still hanging on here.. the moment I accepted mah job, mah life is more a ROLLERCOASTER than used to be!!


but inspite of all the struggles, I am dealing with, I can still smile and laugh!! thank GOd and to Ms. Ellen..


am so tired now so I will end up here for now..

"somebody's favorite"

Sunday, August 23, 2009



wow! how great is that, that you are somebody's favorite?!


Since, I was a childhood.. I wasn't somebody's favorite!! not even a single minute that I knew that I was somebody's favorite!!!


and now I am... wow, so great - awesome to know that am somebody's favorite!! I was surprised to know about it! I am so blessed and fortunate to be somebody's favorite!! it is so comforting...


the kind of person I poses is that am easy go lucky - happy person and I tried mah best to pleased everybody but I learned a long time ago that I can't pleased everybody!!




lastwk, on mah rocky day off I find a heartwarming comfort from a SASSY PERSON!


since, the first day I met her... she is so SASSY and as I get to know her a lil bit.. I can see a MIRROR REFLECTION of MAHSELF on her and she FELT same way too!!

the thought of am her fave does INSPIRES me a lot and make me more strong! that night, I wasn't able to sleep on many delima's on mah head and with so overwhelming feeling of knowing that am somebody's fave!!

"AM SOMEBODY's FAVE FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME IN LIFE"; WAAAHHHHHHOOOO!!! TEE - HEE!!!

in my most humble heart, THANK YOU so mUch Ms Ellen...!!

"Mah Life In The Shelter", First Chapter...

Thursday, July 23, 2009




It was June 05, 2009 that I came here in the shelter! A week after the accident occuedr!! It was bright sunny friday afternoon that Ms. Nowlin picked me up at Mah friend's house! we did have a great conversation on the way to the shelter!

It was 1pm and she drops me off and I was summoned to a room where I took a trauma exam! It was Ms. Kim gave me, Ms Nowlin left and I was tour around mah new home by Ms. Lisa..

And in a short moment, she help me out with mah baggage, it is heavy! mah block bag was more heavier for I have a big bottle of mah BAILEYS drink on it!! lolz..

Then dinner time came up and it was quesidellas and I even took pic of it! lolz..

I had a roommates, stacy and melody.. stacy and I get along so easily and we did have a great time together! as days went by, I was lil bit relieve and felt safe!!

on mah second day, I stayed most of mah time inside mah room, organizing mah stuff and all.. it was late, afternoon that I get out! the on duty RA that time was Ms. Ellen, I didn't know her name first and didnt know anybody that much! Ms. Ellen saw me and asked me where did I go and I was scared when she as for I thought I am in trouble, I answered her back that I was on mah room hiding!

as weeks gone by, I was slowly getting calm but it is on mah sleep that I am not calm for I do have horrible nightmares and I scream so badly! I slept quite well but not on mah dreams.. as I stayed here, I gained to know the ways and the people around me!

I tried to do mah house chores and try to stay be optimistic in mah everyday life!

stacy and I had some foolishness games, we went to park and bought boose and then drunk it!! we are so careful not to be caught up! but one night, stacy and I wasn't able to get back to the shelter for she was drunk and I was little drunk and it was following day that we were able to come back and with that we are both in trouble and we are both on probation - contract! stacy took all the blame and oh well, it was her fault really for she wasn't able to get me back to the shelter that night!

in some other occations, I sneak and took a sip of mah hidden boose and so as stacy and patsy!! lolz.. things were quite exciting but scary!

I rode mah bike from time to time, and I learn how to ride the Bus!

Mah, EAD and AP was approved and I got it!

stacy left and owed me $170! mah 600 saving was gone!!

Mah, ex- husband hearing was going on on mah first month here..

there was lots of things going on on such short time! I screwed up sometimes on mah chores for I lost track of it but thank God, Ms. Ellen was just so understanding! I do have hard time on focusing things since the incedent! I easy get panic and nervous!


as days goes by, i became to know who is who! and I learned that Ms. Ellen is so COOL and do have a kind heart! I was so glad those days she gave me little stuffs but for me it was so preciouse and she is so sweet and kind.. she has the most WARM SMILE and
I can see that she is a TRUE person and can be fun to be with and can be a good friend!

They are all nice here but Ms. Ellen is the best person for me!

When I got mah EAD, I did tried mah best to work on job hunting and it did pays off! Ms. Ellen was right on all the things she told me!

I did celebrate mah 29th birthday here and Ms. Ellen took an effort to make it special! I did have a little birthday celebration with kids and other ladies who is around! I did have a cake and ice cream and have lots of presents!

mah family knows mah situation eventually and some of mah friends too!

I did celebrate mah first FOURTH of July so lonely! but it is ok, mah world didn't end!! lolz..

most of mah time, I spent on mah VAIO and I stayed mostly on mah room or if am not on mah room during mah free time, I was @ the back!

Even I am just a months and few wks here in shelter, I feel like I have been here for so long!! I do feel safe and lil at home here...


the days that I anticipates is wens - sun's!


well, I have to retire here for now..

"SCARS OF LIFE "

Thursday, July 23, 2009


Some years ago, on a hot summer day in South Florida , a little boy decided to go for a swim in the old swimming hole behind his house. In a hurry to dive into the cool water, he ran out the back door, leaving behind shoes, socks, and shirt as he went. He flew into the water, not realizing that as he swam toward the middle of the lake, an alligator was swimming toward the shore. His father, working in the yard, saw the two as they got closer and closer together. In utter fear, he ran toward the water, yelling to his son as loudly as he could. Hearing his voice, the little boy became alarmed and made a U-turn to swim to his father. It was too late. Just as he reached his father, the alligator reached him. From the dock, the father grabbed his little boy by the arms just as the alligator snatched his legs. That began an incredible tug-of-war between the two. The alligator was much stronger than the father, but the father was much too passionate to let go. A farmer happened to drive by, heard his screams, raced from his truck, took aim and shot the alligator. Remarkably, after weeks and weeks in the hospital, the little boy survived. His legs were extremely scarred by the vicious attack of the animal. And, on his arms, were deep scratches where his father's fingernails dug into his flesh in his effort to hang on to the son he loved. The newspaper reporter who interviewed the boy after the trauma, asked if he would show him his scars. The boy lifted his pant legs. And then, with obvious pride, he said to the reporter, 'But look at my arms. I have great scars on my arms, too. I have them because my Dad wouldn't let go.' You and I can identify with that little boy. We have scars, too. No, not from an alligator, but the scars of a painful past. Some of those scars are unsightly and have caused us deep regret. But, some wounds, my friend, are because God has refused to let go. In the midst of your struggle, He's been there holding on to you. The Scripture teaches that God loves you. You are a child of God. He wants to protect you and provide for you in every way. But sometimes we foolishly wade into dangerous situations, not knowing what lies ahead. The swimming hole of life is filled with peril - and we forget that the enemy is waiting to attack. That's when the tug-of-war begins - and if you have the scars of His love on your arms, be very, very grateful. He did not and will not ever let you go.

"Wish I could Have Wings"

Tuesday, July 21, 2009


"Wish I could Have Wings" this is one of mah dream wish!


right now I am so desperate to have wings..


so that I can just easily go to work without any headaches on how to get there and go home afterward! but If God will grant me wings, others would want too!! So I guess, God will just give me anything except wings to fly!!




If I have wings, I wouldn't be here anymore and be on places I wanna be but God has better plans for me rather giving mah wings!! lolz.. Does this make anysense to yah all guys?!


so to turn mah desperations, I will end this short blog by saying..


I believe I can fly, I belive I can touch the sky, familiar ha?!well it is a song from backstreetboys if am not mistaken??...